Registering my interest.

Oh god the things I'm gonna do with this story.

It's writing itself at the moment, I havent had to stop and think about how to make a scene work even once. I'm even planning shit three chapters in advance!

Oh god cannot wait to get home and type this up.

Ok guys, it's weekly update time!

Had to restructure alot of the meat of the story, as I really liked the direction it was going, but after reading through it made me feel that it was sacrificing alot of environmental detail in the process. The conversations were moving and flowing along at a great and natural pace, but at the cost of not knowing what exactly was going on around the characters, or where they were.

Thankfully, this has been rectified.

Good thing I took the time to re read through the entire thing in one sitting, otherwise I wouldnt have noticed it.

Also, tidbits! I know you love them.

A long slender yet muscular creature stepped calmly from the shadows, its red eyes glowing so bright that for a moment; Ashley thought she could make out the twisted smile on its face. All rationality finally lost, she began to crawl away as best she could from the terror in front of her, reaching out a single arm to the day care centre and the elderly man she could barely make out leaning against the fence using his mobile phone.

“H-h....he.....lp..... m-” she cried, her voice only escaping her lips as a hoarse whisper.

More creatures slowly stepped out from the shadows, surrounding her with the glowing red eyes, chittering to each other greedily in their native tongue.

“He....lp .... me... s-some.... s... omeone..”

---
[SIMON, LOOK OUT!]

“Wha – Oh, SHIT!”

Simon snapped out of his small daydream to find himself driving along the freeway leading back to his house, and drifting into the oncoming lane causing a large truck to blare its horns menacingly at the small car crossing into its path.


OOOOOH THE SUSPEEEEENSE

---

Progress at time of update: 87%

>>2013

I laughed way too hard at this.

Also story is comming along great. Sorry it's taking so long, but back to back 12 hour shifts tend to do that to you.

*Ahem*

BEHOLD

http://anime.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600050760

IT BEGINS

>>2047
*grunt* Moai says good fic be good *grunt* Read by order of grand moai head because Jabbz did lots work *grunt* mmmmmm... am wise *Incoherent mumbling*

You're story made me have an enjoyance. You are now the recipient of many Ausum Pointz.

Other than grammar errors and some names not being properly capitalized, it was a fine and cute story; grand interactions, and in the beginning with that Pokemon getting spat at the trainer was gruesome and kewl.

4/5 brohan. Just make sure the small grammatical details are fixed up all nice and snug.

>>2053

Thanks :)

I might need you to point out the grammatical issues though.

>>2057
It's usually some punctuation errors, such as in dialogue:

"Hello, Gems" simon said.

Fix'd: "Hello, Gems," Simon said.

When it isn't a exclamation point or question mark, it's usually a comma or period. And the not capitalizing names happens sometimes. But other than those errors, everything else is fine (I really loved the interaction between the teen girl and Simon). Just correcting those small flaws makes the reading a bit smoother.

>>2058
I have raised you well, my apprentice.

>>2059
Oh please, you were such a fanboy when you first reviewed me on FF.net, and during those first MSN conversations that I still have saved to this day.

....

Thank you, Master.

So has Jabbz taught you how to shoot Word Lightning from your fingertips yet?

>>2062
No!
*begins to sob and whine*
Master never teaches me anything, he's holding me back! I'll never be a great Jedi- I mean Writer when I'm bound to him by a chain leash!

>>2064
gad damn your worse than Anikin and his Space Angst.

I've noticed a few people really enjoy the interaction between Simon and the trainer. More so than Simons interaction with Gemma, seeing as its yet to be mentioned.

I'm wondering why. Maybe the implied rape, lol

Also, yes she will be making further Appearences later on :)

>>2067
You're partway correct. I love Simon and Gemma's interactions; but still the girl going 'ZOMG joo gunna raep meh!1!' was so morbidly hilarious.

Yes, Gemma's and Simon's interactions are excellent; making Gemma like a troublesome but adorable child is what I would expect from a creature like Pica/Raichu. And of course there's the electrocution factor trainers of them have to deal with lol.

>>2068

Gemma is actually alot more mature than you think.

She is in her adult phase after all.

That being said however, she is only playful and silly around Simon. You will see what I mean next chapter.

Well now, what do we have here? A good read, that's what. Once again, you've opened up a nice story for us, and despite the lack of plot, it seems to carry itself very well. It's quite a bit better from Take Me Home's first chapter, and that's a good thing. Here's hoping you continue this story.

A few specific things of note:

>Gemma ordered Pizza
I certainly hope that restauraunt has an online order feature, or else that would be a very odd phone conversation.

>Alfred
Simon confirmed to be Bruce Wayne.

>implied rape
I'm thinking it's a joke on Simon's part, no matter how much you may deny it.

>Gemma in general
It's takes a lot for me to smile throughout the entirety of a scene just because of a single character, but you've done quite a good job of it. I love the way you've characterized her in this iteration. She's much more cute this time around.


>Starting trainer losing in Violet
Dumb girl doesn't know how to train a Chikorita... Only casuals resort to Mareep... Oh the GSC days...

All in all, it's a great start man. It's nice to see you go from the debacle that was Take Me Home to something like this.

Now, for the technical stuff:

As Spog said here >>2058 you've got some technical quips that I kept spotting. A great number were punctuation, capitalization of proper terms, and a few slights ("tyre", "your" instead of "you're" and viceversa), as well as a few spacing and format quirks that could have been ironed out. A few wordings and sentences could use restructuring as well. If you want, feel free to send me the document for this chapter, and I can do my regular beta/proofreading service. Keep in mind however, I might not be able to get it to you the same day, as I'm trying to get back into my own work, but if you want me to comb through it as I have for Jabbz, Skyler, and Espy, send me an email.

Aside from the purly grammatical and writing style errors and slights I mentioned, there's really nothing else bad or lacking I could say about Handle With Care's opening chapter. The plot and pacing seemed to flow quite nicely, and if you've got that down, the rest is just minor.

Till next time, you know how to contact me.

>>2073

Wow, thank's for the in depth mate. Much appreciated.

Also, 250 views in like, a day. Fucking yeah!

Love it, let's see more! XD

Now just because I really, really, wanted to see more of Take Me Home, I have to ask: is this the same Gemma and Simon or is TMH just assumed to never happen?

>>2077

Assume it never happened. I didn't like the direction it was taking.

Don't worry though, I will be incorporating some elements into HWC. I'm glad you enjoy it :)

Wont he able to work on it for a few days because I am headed to new York next week. I've got 24 hours to kill on the flight there, so I hope to use that time to get chapter two done

>>2078
Aw, I'm gonna miss that. No brain-burning mentally-scarred Kirlia? ';_;

>>2080

I never said that.

But there will be something similar. And it's gonna be gooooooooood~

Wait until you see what kirlia does to Simon in a later chapter.

Hint:

A cliff and a miss timed teleport

>>2081
I suppose that's better than a solid wall and a misplaced teleport. THAT can be... messy...

More like Simon is holding her as they both fall while she charges a teleport, only to have him hit a jutting out piece of the cliff and lose his grip on her. She reaches out to grab him and their hands just slightly miss each other as the teleport happens, leaving Simon falling by himself.

Not a spoiler though, it's gonna happen like half way through

>>2085
If we don't know about it, and it hasn't happened yet, its spoiler.

>>2086
T_T

Apologies

Oh hey guess who's in your country, flyin on ur planes, using ur terrible planes wifi.

Also, why does LA smell like coffee, beer and homeless guys who sleep in their piss? It's a fucking depressing airport, jesus.

>>2108
Welcome to America where the rich are rich, and the poor get more fucked up.

>>2109
But in all seriousness, airports aren't a real good indicator of our fair country. But welcome to the USA. Hope you get settled in.

So far I have determined that Brooklyn is fucking cold.

Also I think I was mistaken for a drug dealer after some random Asian guy pulled up when I was having a smoke and watched me through his passenger window. WTF?

OH GOD ALSO WHY DO YOUR TOILETS HAVE LIKE 50 LITRES IN THE BOWL.

I'm terrified I'm gonna cause it to overflow, jesus

>>2108
Worst airport experience for me: Atlanta, Georgia. Got lost with my friend and we missed our flight, had to take a late one and we didn't arrive to Albuquerque til 2:00 AM...that and we flew over an area that was having wicked tornado storms. Fortunately the pilot was awesome and managed to fly over clear alleyways in the clouds...which were a freakin light show of fireworks. It was cool and all, but it scared the piss out of me.

>>2111
Just beware of any BROOKLYN RAGE!!

>>2112
>which were a freakin light show of fireworks.

Did I really say 'fireworks'? I meant lightning -_- Of course 'light show of lightning' seems redundant. But point is made anyway!

>>2112
Appropriate pic for linked post.

So when does this get updated, HMMMMMMM!/1//!?1?!/1/!

Just out of interest. Does anyone know what happened to this dude here? There's been nothing from him for months. That, and he doesn't seem to come online to chat me anymore.

Come on Skrewd old budy, we were bros!

Hey guys in still alive and kicking.

Sorry bout the unexplained absence, but works been coming hard and fast. Plus minecraft.

Just going to bed atm, but I wanted to let you know that I love you all lots and lots.

Also I've been writing :p but more on that tomorrow

>>2292

we wuv u 2, fuckd!!...i mean skrewd!

So I guess I need to come clean with everyone.

As some of you know, I've been in a, well, let's say 'less than ideal' relationship for the last three years.

Well it finally came to an end.

My partner and I broke up and he will be flying back to the US in exactly a week. This coupled with losing my license for three months and therefore my job has kinda turned my life upside down somewhat since my last post.

The second chapter is still in development, nut at the moment everything is kinda on hold for at least the next fortnight.

Sorry for keeping you all on the dark for so long, but I hope to fix this by the months end.

Much love, my brothers. Much love indeed.

Also, I miss you all. Post more.

Sounds rough.
Come back to us stronger than ever, man.

Iike a Phoenix from the ashes bro.

Frothing at the pants and all

There’s markedly less material here to work with than Sinners, but I’ll give it a go.

Simon…just is. I assume his hallucinations will end up being more meaningful as the story progresses, but for now there doesn’t seem to be any conflict. The only chance for his personality to come out was the battle with the pizza delivery girl, and all it really shows us is he’s a nice guy and maybe above-average with his Pokémon. He’s the blue oni, if you will.

Gemma is the red oni and is more vivacious than her handler. I imagine she’ll be the main romantic interest. She acts as a friendly foil to Simon, basically an agent for the more uninhibited parts of his personality. Again, she seems nice and competent.

Kill one of them to advance the story.

>>2512

No! Kill both of them! It was a prologue all along!

>>2513

You heard the lady.

>>2512
>Kill one of them to advance the plot
Skyler, you're a bastard.

>>2512
> reading through post
> see last spoiler

> laugh uncontrollably at the sheer blunt randomness of it

Well I'm glad nothing bad can be said about them. I was trying to make them as three dimensional as possible, guess I succeeded.

Thanks for the deconstruction mate. Appreciated.

>>2515

How am I the bad guy here? I suggested killing one of them.

Clearly, plot is fruitless without death.

Fuck I'm taking way too long on getting this next chapter out.

You all know what's going on in my life ATM, so I'm not gonna bore you with the details.

Little tidbit though.

That girl from the first chapter? Yeah she can't catch mareep because she's hopeless. So guess who Simon finds on his door step after work, who had fallen asleep waiting for him to get home?

Also, kirlia is amazed at how Simon operates a car. So many things going on with his hands my goodness, what is a girl to do.